If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
