Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
