We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
