Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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