I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
