There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
