Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Randomize
