I think i peed on brittanys purse
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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