too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
3pm strippers are depressing
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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