i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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