i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Randomize
