I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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