For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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