I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
