I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
