You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize