I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
