anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize