Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Betty ford says i'm here all night
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
