Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
