Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
