The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
