M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
