So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
