woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
