words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
