I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
