I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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