Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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