I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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