Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
