I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I think we might need a safe word for this...
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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