who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
