he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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