you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
