Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
