my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Randomize
