quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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