You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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