hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Drake has all the answers
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
