He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
