Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
