There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
