my cup is half full, half full of rum.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
