I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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