I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
