I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
