that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
