i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize