I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
