she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
