Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize