My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Randomize
