and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
