I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
