That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
He did a backflip because drugs
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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